Weird-ass dream

I saw Inception on Thursday with Joel. I had a dream last night that had Joel in it and had to be based on that movie.

Here's what happened. So Joel and I were doing some crazy stuff, it's like we were in this techno world, and you know how in lucid dreams there are certain thing you *know* without having seen them in the dream? Yeah, we had already been in a world before where we jumped off a building and woke up. That was previously known knowledge.

Anyway, we're in this technologically advanced place, and the layout is two building roofs, but there are these little platform things that took you from one roof to the other because it was a loooong way down and if we fell, we'd be falling forever.

So Joel and I are on roof number 1, which is somehow our exit point as well as the place we need to get away from because Kremlings (yes, the lizard people from DK) are coming after us with spacesuits and guns. I'd think of them more as Judoon from Doctor Who, except lizards rather than rhynos.

So we get on the platforms, go to roof number two and break into that building, and we get something important, but somehow I'm lookout so I spot the Judoon Kremlings coming on platforms toward us, so I scream for Joel to finish whatever he's doing so we can get out of here. We go to meet them, and try to sidestep them, but one of them knocks me off the platform and I start falling to my doom. I don't wake up and it's a continuous falling through different sceneries. Of course, I realize that I'm dreaming at that point and decided to get deathly afraid that I'd never wake up for real so I worked to pull myself out of my dream and it was weird, because suddenly, I was falling toward my tv on the computer desk. I saw it and I focused on it and it was like trying to pull my body out of molasses before I suffocated or something, but I woke up, nonetheless. And that's my weird-ass dream.


I'm not over him. In theory, him hanging out with his 'girlfriend' (in quotes because they're not actually in a relationship though he's wishing too hard for it to happen, and he's acting as though they are, though they're not) shouldn't bother me. In reality when he brings her up for about half the conversation we had when he invited me over yesterday, it bothers me a lot. He doesn't love her, and whatever relationship could possibly develop in the month he has left will only last until he goes back to Pullman. I don't understand what his deal is, and I suppose it's none of my business, but I suppose with the thing with James falling through (or at least seeming hopeless), it's... really prominent in my head...

I fucking hate love.

I don't want to love Joel. Not when he constantly treats me as less than a friend and brings up the other 'girlfriend' in his life. Of course, the fact that I do love him supersedes all this relationship crap. The fact is, he's changing aspects of his identity for this girl he doesn't even love, and I can't accept that...because I've made that mistake and had it shoved in my him. I love him too much to watch him do this... watch him feel like he has to change who he is just to get a girl in his life when I'm sitting right here, ready to accept him for who he is, good and bad.

But, I came to terms with the fact a while ago that while I love Joel in the only way I know how, and I suppose he loves me in his own small way and we can be best friends until the ends of the earth and have each others' backs, we can never work as a relationship because we have issues. For me it's trust; for him it's closeness, which I suppose is another type of trust, but I've seen too many times that he's willing to believe that he has no one in his life who cares and he's willing to cast everyone out to save them the burden. I've done the same, which makes me cling harder to him, because... that time of my life was saddening...depressing. I don't want him to feel like he has no one, because that simply isn't true.

But I have to move on...and I thought I did. James was such an attractive possibility. He's smart, funny, kind, cute, and we have common interests...sorta. The sad thing is that he's...clueless. I don't know how many 'You're awesome ;)' messages I have to leave him, how many 'I liked hanging out, we should do it again' lines I need to send his way, how many times I need to laugh hysterically at his jokes which may not be as funny as my reaction implies before he gets the hint that I'm interested. Every single conversation we have on skype feels like flirting in some regards...but I've given him opportunities to make a move and he acts like he's interested...but doesn't make a move...

This Saturday we were supposed to hang out... or rather, I proposed the possibility of hanging out because we both expressed interest in getting together before going back to Pullman, but... he hasn't gotten back to me with a definite answer... and it's Friday, for crying out loud. I'd talk to him, but he's not getting online lately...

I'm just feeling...hopeless lately, like no one out there cares. Joel constantly tells me that I'm one of the most beautiful people he knows, inside and out. There's a constant reassurance that I'll find the guy. My stepbrother Cory looked at me in awe when I told him I wasn't in a relationship, asking jokingly if all the guys I met were gay. How much of this reassurance is exaggerated for my benefit? How much of this is the obligation to say that everything will be okay? I've worked so hard in the past year to gain confidence in my outward appearance, but I know it isn't enough. I'm not that shallow, but the fact remains that we are a society that judges based on what we see. I can change how I look to other people to match the fact that I'm smart, kind to those who extend the same courtesy, and generally know what I'm doing. But... how much is it going to take? I've lost 50 pounds in the past year. I'm down to a weight I haven't seen on the scale since junior high. I've worn a bikini this summer for the first time EVER and felt confident in it. What makes me so different from the other unattractive in comparison? All I can do is work in the last month I have to go back to Pullman and knock everyone out. Hopefully including the two (or three) guys whose attention I want most...

But everything looks better when the sun goes down...

I have a song stuck in my head. It's awesome. It's where the title comes from. Make me wanna Die by the Pretty Reckless.

In other, exciting news, my charger has officially been ordered, so it should hopefully be here by Thursday. I'd like it before, butttt... delivery systems are fail.

I might be seeing Inception on Thursday... no, I will be seeing Inception on Thursday. Joel invited me over so I'll be heading over there and hanging out for a while. And I get to take the twins to the airport on Saturday, so it's looking like a lot of driving this week for me. Not that I'm complaining...if something I want to happen ends up happening.

I just thought of a new project: taking a sketch I did years ago and fine-tuning it before uploading it to deviantart. That's what I'm gonna do now. I'm off.
  • Current Music
    Make me Wanna Die--Pretty Reckless
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And the shit hits the fan...

Last night was fucking horrible.

I don't even know what happened. I left, I came back, and that's when shit hit the fan. Things went out of control, and I was up until a shaky 4 am once again.

Luckily today, the kids took a premature exit. That's both a plus and a minus. Plus because maybe the stress levels will lower around here. Minus because there is no buffer between myself and my mother.

I'm just tired. I sat for three hours in Safeway parking lot with a packed car waiting for the kids' mother to get here so that they could go home and I could go home to a person I really didn't want to speak to or even bee in the same room as.

Plans are set in motion. I'm heading out.
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    tired tired
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I take comfort in something: I will be in Pullman a month from now.

Give or take a least. That's the only good thing I've experienced today: that revelation. That, and finishing Narcissus in Chains. On to the next one. :)

My mom came home in one of her moods again, pissed off to the yin yang. I suppose I can't blame her with all the stressful crap that's been going on as far as finances and family crap goes, but you know what? Financially speaking, that was their own damn fault. I have no sympathy for that, just a constant rising pissiness because they once again refused to listen to logic and instead decided to be...morons? idiots? the word that describes the true level of their idiocy escapes me at the moment.

At James's urging, I started my story last night... at the true beginning this time. I'm experimenting with how exactly I want to write it. I'm thinking third person at the beginning which morphs into first person as the first part ends and the second part begins, but I started writing it in first person, so I'll see how that goes first, then I might try for third person, just to see what the difference would be. It sure as hell would leave me freer, but I want that sense of a limited perspective going on. I dunno.

More good news. My laptop, which is on day 5 of being out of commission, is about to be saved! My parents have finally decided to give me the money to get on Amazon and buy the damned charger tomorrow. Hopefully that will save my sanity from any more hits from making myself a nice little target in the living room.

I woke up thinking about him again this morning... Logically, I should be backing off these thoughts, but they make me happy...giddy almost. I can do with a bit of that at the moment... Even if the feeling isn't justified, which I hope it is. God, I hope it is...

I finally had to run into town today to just get away from everything. It's just pissing me off being here. Well, I had library business to take care of too, but more than that, I just needed to drive, go fast, leave my thoughts behind me, bring myself to nothing but the car, my focus, and my music. That always calms me down at least a little.

My mother seems to want to snap at me as the proxy of everything that has been stressing her out and then use me as her shoulder to cry on. I can't fucking take it anymore. I'm her daughter, not her bloody therapist.

On that note I do believe I will go.
  • Current Music
    Basshunter tetris remix
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The stress is so physical, you can cut it with a knife.

I woke up to another note on the fridge listing tasks for us... as if we're some kind of incompetent beings. It's quite annoying. I finally decided to do the kitchen because no one else can bloody well do it right, and I'm a little territorial, even though no one can clean up their damned mess and I'm sick of dealing with it.

I suppose I'm gathering my mood from the fact that everyone else in this house seems to be stark-raving mad. Or at least overly stressed to the point where I'm getting a headache from it. Some family troubles, and my mother is trying to involve people who simply don't need to know and it's pissing me off.

I decided to do a little experiment in favoritism today. You see, my stepsister Heather has been the bane of my mother's existence for a while because she's constantly waking up after noon and taking showers at 5 in the evening. I decided today that I would take a shower at that time to see if mom got on my case. No such anger towards me, just a lot of making sure I understood where the leaks were and whatnot. I get out of the shower to find people yelling and slamming every which way from nowhere. But it has nothing to do with me. Hm.

Two hours later, she accuses my stepdad of playing favorites because he sends the little ones into the next room because a scene from the movie they're watching is inappropriate. How interesting.

I've been playing Pokemon intermittently throughout the day. I've also been playing Legend of Dragoon throughout the day and reading Narcissus in Chains throughout the day. It's become the three pillars of my summer. With the exception of the weekly Joel visits (which won't be happening for the rest of the month) and the rare James visits (which I really hope to have happen again very soon), they're all I have, really.

You wanna know what really pisses me off? More than my parents' stress level, more than idiots, more than the just amount of people in this house? My parents knew the condition of their finances...and still decided to go on a week-long camping trip with two cars... with all the boys. Then they take it out on everyone else because they're suddenly out of money. Well I freaking wonder why?

I'm talking to James now... who is basically brightening my day as usual, encouraging me to write the story I haven't even touched in four years, and is making me all happy-giggly, which is so NOT me. What's wrong with me, the self-called lone wolf? The person who spent their life growing up beyond her years and could never make friends, let alone a bloody relationship work. What am I doing thinking that something is possible?

Nonetheless, that hope is there. Nonetheless, that hope is driving me through this summer, keeping me from completely shutting down. When I am home, I am alone. When my friends are around, I cling to them. I can't wait to visit with my friends again.

PS: Laptop is STILL out of commission. Can my parents please just give me ten bucks to go and put in my account so I can bloody well buy that charger?

Here I stand, bored and confused

My laptop is out of commission. Luckily, James is helping me to not rip myself off. My parents are in a constant state of stress and are taking it out on me, and treating myself and my stepsister Heater with so little respect, it isn't even funny. Here I sit, in the "dining" room, a perfect target for my mother's rage because my laptop is out of commission and I can't actually go into my room and be online at the same time.

Rather than be depressed, I'm being smart for the first time in a year or so, getting all of my music off this darned computer and onto my flash drive so I can actually listen to it again. Whoo!

And once again my mother is involving me in some business of hers which is none of mine, and I constantly have to ask her to not involve me, but that doesn't happen. She needs a therapist, not a daughter.

But lately, all that's been on my list is Legend of Dragoon, the Anita Blake series (which is awesome), pokemon, and a certain guy... I feel like a blushing schoolgirl mentioning it, my not-so-little crush.

I met him randomly during one of my afternoon chemistry lectures. We started by talking about desks, of all things. A couple days later we traded info to form a study buddy kind of thing. I thought it was going to be bothersome, but he was essentially, he was the first friend I met that wasn't dropped in front of me by either housing situation or grouped up by some other means.

I wound up helping him a lot more than he helped me, but it was fun nonetheless. I found out we had a lot in common as far as anime goes, and we hung out. His computer setup is quite impressive.

Of course, at this time, I was still having drama with Joel, another kid I met and became close friends with, so I didn't really consider anything other than a pure friendship...if not a mere meeting of acquaintances knowing how I usually act toward people I meet, but he turned into a very perceptive friend who gave me a lot of advice and seemed to know just what to say to make me feel better. Also, the first person I have not considered a close friend I have ever cried in front of, to my embarrassment.

James... makes me smile whenever I talk to him, makes me laugh with his jokes, and brightens my day. He's nice, cute, and smart in his own way. I'm trying to drop hints, but I don't know exactly how to make it any more obvious that I'm interested. I want to make the first move, but at the same time, I don't know if I should let him do it. I don't know if he's interested, which makes me nervous.

Well... all I can do is wait and see, I suppose.

Three years... What a change...

Ummm... yeah, here's a change. To those of you who may or may not have frequented this journal at one time or another, I'm back. I'm now on a summer break, soon to be going into my second year of college, and trying to find my own identity. In my first year of university, I wound up losing a good 40+ pounds. I met some good friends, friends I hope to have for a long time. I've trusted some people for the first time in a long time. I survived and I'm going back. Hopefully to only improve on my search to find what I like and what I don't. Hopefully to meet more people, form more relationships. I'll keep this as a telling of my life through college... for people who care to find out my experiences...
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    creative creative
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